Dirty Reggae

I’ve been listening to some old-school reggae lately: The Ethiopians’ “Reggae Hit the Town,” Dave & Ansel Collins’ “Double Barrel,” Niney the Observer’s “Blood & Fire,” Jacob Miller’s “Tenement Yard,” and Althia & Donna’s “Uptown Top Ranking.” In fact, I fancy myself a bit of a Jamaicophile. I love everything about the country, culture, and people – with the exception, of course, of the corruption, misogyny, and homophobia.

Which brings me to another song I’ve been listening to a lot lately: Max Romeo’s “Wet Dream.” I’ve heard the song countless times, but I guess I never really paid attention to the lyrics:

Every night me go to sleep, me have wet dreams
Every night me go to sleep, me have wet dreams

Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down

You in your small corner, I stand in mine
Throw all the punch you want to, I can take them all

Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down

Look how you’re big and fat, like a big, big shot
Give the crumpet to Big Foot Joe, give the fanny to me

Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down
Lie down girl let me push it up, push it up, lie down

The song, released in 1968, immediately caused controversy and was banned from the radio in England. Years later, Romeo tried to claim it was innocent, that he was only singing about a leaky roof. With an explanation like that, it sounds to me like he’s angling for a job in the Trump administration.

But let’s break it down, shall we? First of all, the title and opening stanza is clearly about involuntary nocturnal emissions, which are commonly referred to as “wet dreams.” Romeo was already 24 at the time, so I’m not sure why he would be singing about an embarrassing moment that most males experience only during adolescence.

But as we skip along into the second stanza, we discover that his solution for the problem is to get a girl to “lie down,” so he can “push it up.” Now don’t get hung up on the directions here. Jamaicans tend to have a different take on these things. For example, if the patio is too hot on a summer afternoon for the children’s bare feet, an American might ask you to wet down the patio whereas a Jamaican would likely ask you to wet up the patio.

So, in asking her to “lie down” so he can “push it up,” I think it’s clear that Romeo is suggesting that this girl engage in sexual intercourse with him, as a cure for his wet dreams. Which technically makes sense, because scratching tends to relieve the itch, so to speak. And, for what it’s worth, if he can leverage his persistent wet dreams as a means of convincing someone to have sex with him, then the man deserves some credit, for that’s a very unorthodox angle of seduction.

But then things get a bit, well, rapey. Romeo sings about how this girl is fighting back, throwing punches. Clearly the seduction did not work. And if a woman is indeed throwing punches as a man tries to engage in intimate relations with her, then his sexual advances constitute rape. And, no, my friend, that ain’t cool.

On top of that, the song goes on to insult and mock this girl, calling her big and fat (though, honestly, now I’m starting to feel guilty for assuming that “big” and “fat” are insults). And then, as if that weren’t enough, he suggest what seems to be a ménage à trois, encouraging the girl to let “Big Foot Joe” have vaginal intercourse with her while he penetrates her “fanny.” And, yes, overlooking the semen-stained sheets, rape, misogyny, and a threesome with Big Foot Joe, the English censors ended up banning the song because it references anal sex.

Still, I gotta say, I really like the song. And yet I’m struggling to come to terms with its lyrics. Is this a case in which, like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, the author is merely portraying someone with flaws, or is this more like The Birth of a Nation, in which the author is intentionally celebrating and promoting these flaws?

Only Big Foot Joe may know for sure.

One of Charlie’s Angels Was Raped

caBefore America hit rock bottom in the early morning hours of November 9th, 2016, I had planned to post a tongue-in-cheek Thought of the Day segment on slut shaming this week. It read:

If I were to start a non-profit dedicated to combating slut shaming, would I be a bad person if my underlying motive was to encourage women to be more promiscuous? What if I was also motivated by the likelihood of meeting and befriending such women as part of this effort? And isn’t slut shaming just sexism masked by false morality? After all, what they’re really telling women is that they shouldn’t behave like men.

But putting the posterchild for modern misogyny in the Oval Office changed all of that. And not just because a lot of Americans refused to vote for Hillary Clinton simply because she has a vagina, but also because so many of them voted for a man who clearly considers women to be second-class humans.

Does this mean that gender equality is only a coastal concern in America, with much of the population quite happy to tell the ladies to shut up and get back in the kitchen? Does America need a Female Rights Matter movement?

One in Three
Did you know that one in three women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime? That’s according to the World Health Organization. Isn’t that absolutely horrifying? Appalling? Sickening?

As a man, it’s hard to come to terms with that. Men are rarely the victims of such attacks. Yet we surely are the perpetrators of most of them.

Where is our outrage? As a man, shouldn’t I be overcome with anger and guilt that my gender is responsible for this? Yes, I am. Shouldn’t the shame alone make me want to do something to address this? Yes, it does.

Sorry, Charlie
I feel obligated to note that, at least to my knowledge, none of Charlie’s Angels were ever victims of sexual assault (though a number of them did portray a victim in various films, plays, etc.). I should also note that the World Health Organization data I cited is worldwide.

Here in America, one out of every six women is a victim of sexual assault. Still sickening? Hell yes. Though if an American woman has the courage to serve her country as a member of our armed forces, one out of every three service women are victims. And, for what it’s worth, one out of every 33 American men are sexually assaulted in their lifetime, which is equally shocking.

The War on Women
Where is our outrage as a species? Where is our outrage as a nation? They say that one in ten Americans is addicted to alcohol or some other drug, and apparently that was enough for us to declare a war. Hell, we’ve had several sitting Presidents claim that drugs were the biggest domestic threat to our nation. Yet women are far more likely to be the victims of sexual assault than anyone is of becoming a victim of chemical dependency – a whopping 23 percent more likely.

But the history of this War on Drugs reveals why there is so little action or even outrage about sexual assault…this unspoken War on Women, the longest running war in human history. The real reason our government declared war on drugs was to try to control and suppress political dissent. The initial targets were the anti-war and civil rights movements in the 60s and 70s. And since many of them smoked marijuana at the time, it was seen as a great way to incarcerate and control them.

But since then, the law enforcement and correctional systems have become a business unto themselves, with strong lobbyists ensuring that we continue this arcane charade. It has helped militarize local law enforcement and keep our prisons filled with the poor and underprivileged, many of which are minorities.

Perhaps even more important to the people in power, the War on Drugs offers a convenient scapegoat for the rest of our society’s short-comings, ensuring that corrupt and inept politicians and policies face less scrutiny. After all, as long as they keep us focused on drugs as society’s bogeyman, we’ll be too worried to worry about the rest of our problems – as many as there are. And with our new Misogynist-in-Chief, there is little hope that any of this will change…except for the worse.

As a man, I feel angry, horrified, and helpless. Nearly every man has at least three women in their life: a mother and perhaps a sister, wife, or daughter. One of those three women are likely to be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Where is the outrage? Where is the War on Sexual Assault? Where is our War on Gender Injustice?

Nude Pictures of Famous Women

D1With this recent spate of female celebrities having nude photos stolen from their cell phones, I naturally became worried about the images I have on my phone. Of course, I am not a celebrity, nor a woman, and no one has shown any interest in images of male celebrities, let alone male bloggers, yet I am worried just the same. Even at my age. Though my friend told me all his nude selfies were Polaroids, so I guess age does have its advantages.

As a precautionary measure, I browsed the photos on my phone. I’ve accompanied this article with a random smattering of what I found: 5 pizza pies, 18 doughnuts, 29 beers, and 32 assorted images of other food items, none of which are even remotely healthy. Not one single selfie, though. The worst thing that could happen to me is being exposed as a decadent swine, which is fortunately a mater of considerable pride.

And why would I have a photo of myself – nude or otherwise – in the first place? Why do people take selfies? And why would you carry them around with you on your phone? To show people standing next to you what you look like? And what’s with female celebrities and the nude pics? Do they really need “sales material” to close the deal with a Hollywood hunk?

P1A Bunch of Hackholes
But all jokes aside, no one should have their phone hacked. I enjoy pictures of naked women as much as the next guy. Well, maybe a little more than the next guy. OK, a lot more. But I don’t want to see stuff that’s been taken without someone’s consent. That’s akin to tearing off someone’s clothes in public.

No one should have their privacy invaded like that. Especially celebrities, who already give so much of themselves to the public. And if you think it’s no big deal, imagine if those stolen and published photos were of your mother, your wife, your sister, or your daughter. Besides, these hackers are only making it harder for us regular guys to get our female friends to agree to a little risque photography. Once again, some short-sighted nerds have ruined it for the rest of us!

B1The Importance of Consent
All jokes aside (again, and this time I mean it!), consent is a sacred concept that cannot be ignored. I consider it a fundamental right of every human being. Yet when it comes to stealing a woman’s private photographs, or any other sort of content for that matter, it seems that a disturbingly large percentage of the penis-dangling population do not share this view.

Worse yet, far too many men ignore consent when it comes to a woman’s body as well. Sadly there has been a “rash” or rapes at Columbia University here in New York City. One such incident is intolerable, but what’s been going on there is unfathomable.

Faced with a similarly shameful epidemic of sexual assaults, California felt compelled to pass a law explaining exactly what “consent” means. Clearly guys couldn’t understand the meaning of “no means no” so they’ve opted to try “yes means yes.” In other words, a woman must specifically say: “yes, I agree to engage in consensual sexual relations with you.” That, folks, is consent.

Perhaps the Pentagon should take a similar stance. According to its latest statistics, US soldiers are 15 times more likely to be raped by fellow soldiers than they are of being killed in combat. Again, that’s the military’s own statistics, though I doubt you’ll see it mentioned on a recruiting poster. Worse yet, the Pentagon estimates that 85 percent of US military rapes go unreported.

I1The Meaning of Consent
California’s “yes means yes” campaign received some criticism, primarily from people who felt it was unnecessary. Sadly, it’s very necessary. Why is this distinction – the need for “yes” as opposed to the absence of “no” – so important? Because of pin-dicks like musician CeeLo Green, right there in California. Apparently he though that eliminating a woman’s ability to say “no” was a valid way to secure her consent to be sexually scraped by his blubber bags.

In 2012, Green slipped a woman Ecstasy during a dinner date, which caused her to blackout. She woke up in bed with him the next day, not remembering anything after their dinner – including the non-consensual sex that occurred.

Green attempted to defended his actions on social media, claiming that it couldn’t have been “rape” since she wasn’t conscious at the time. Can you believe that? We’re not talking about some college boy whose sexual understanding couldn’t even fill the reservoir tip of a condom. This is a grown man claiming that it’s perfectly OK to drug a woman and then take advantage of her while she’s impaired and unable to give consent. What the fuck?

Bizarrely, he wasn’t even tried for rape, but he was found guilty of possession (a felony). As an aside, the fact that he was only sentenced to probation and community services proves that it’s wealth – not necessarily race – that ultimately tips the scales of justice. Ask OJ.

After deleting his farcical argument from social media, claiming that it’s OK to have sex with a woman who is unconscious because she’d have to remember it for it to be rape, Green went on to praise God (naturally). And then he claimed that, despite pleading “no contest” to a felony, he had somehow been exonerated. What a fucktard!

I2Advice to My Fellow Penis-Danglers
I just don’t understand this sort of behavior, this kind of thinking. Guys, if you are interested in engaging in sexual relations with anyone – or anything – they must first give their consent. And by consent we mean: “yes, I would like to engage in sexual relations with you.” Accept no substitute!

In fact, I’m thinking about having cards printed up. On one side will be my name and phone number. On the other, it will say: “I agree to engage in sexual relations with you.” And below that it will have two boxes that can be checked – “Yes” and “No” – along with a place for her to sign her name, giving consent.

OK, maybe that’s not very romantic. But clearly there are a lot of guys who could use something like this, because they are too fucking stupid to handle it any other way. Plus, it does offer some degree of protection – a bit of a booty pre-nup – against that rare woman who might withdraw her consent after the fact. Sadly, that happens too.

But remember this, a woman who is unconscious cannot give her consent. A woman who is impaired by alcohol or any other kind of drug cannot give her consent either. A minor is too young to be able to give consent, so don’t even go there you degenerate bastards. And, unless your name is Doctor Fucking Doolittle, an animal cannot give consent either.

The only time it’s OK to engage in sexual relations without clear consent from the other party is when you are masturbating or fucking some type of plant. So if you can’t understand the concept of consent, including the notion that only yes means yes, then stick to your fist or the foliage.

And don’t steal people’s nude photos. That’s just a dickhead move.