Eating Salad the Fun Way

Sala0I’m not a salad guy. But having recently turned 50, I need to make some changes.

Fortunately, these days I can get fresh, organic salads that are pre-made. I pick-up a big blister-pack filled with a mix of local lettuces and then just add cucumbers and/or tomatoes along with a sprinkling of some type of protein – either chicken with garlic or black beans.

I don’t do any sauces. OK, you salad people call them dressings, but they’re really sauces. The waitress at the wings place never asks what kind of dressing you want on your chicken wings. No, that shit is a sauce. And some of the ones that people put on their salads are far worse for you than the shit we put on our wings.

I have come to actually enjoy these salads I make. It’s not quite the same as eating something like buffalo chicken wings, especially if you are watching a soccer game or something on TV.

But I’ve discovered a little trick that makes me almost look forward to eating a salad: don’t use your hands. That’s right, not only aren’t you allowed to use utensils, but you can’t even use your hands to eat the salad.

This stems from one of the favorite things my brother and I used to do when we were living together right out of college. We started a tradition called No-Hands Night. We’d typically serve a bowl of ravioli and a bowl of beer, with a tarp underneath the table. No hands allowed. You just had to bury your face in the bowls and eat and drink like an animal. Great fun.

Well, obviously we’re not doing much of that anymore. But I find taking the same tact with a salad can be a lot more fun than simply eating it like a civilized person. Plus, I don’t even need to lay down a tarp.

So give it a try the next time you have a salad. And should you ever want to resurrect the full-on traditional no-hands night, let me offer you two tips for that. First, don’t make the pasta too hot, as you’ll burn your face. Second, pour the beer into a glass first, to release some of the carbonation before pouring it into a bowl. That way the bubbles won’t burn your nostrils. And, yeah, don’t try any of this if you have a runny knows.

Bon appétit!