The Imaginary War on Christmas

SatancupsJesus freaks are on the warpath – again. It’s that time of year, Christmas, when Christians celebrate the birth of their savior, Jesus Christ.

Of course, December 25th isn’t exactly when Christ was born (if, in fact, such an individual ever actually existed). When shaping the doctrine of modern Christianity, determining what Christians would believe and what would be abandoned (specifically, what stories would be adopted as the Bible, the alleged word of God, and what stories would be left out, no longer considered the word of God), Roman Emperor Constantine and his sanctimonious spin doctors decided to declare December 25th as the day Jesus was born.

They didn’t select this date at random. No, they stole it from pagans, the very people modern Christians claim have declared some sort of war on their Christmas holiday. Constantine and his word-of-God-declaring minions knew that their best bet for getting people to join and celebrate their new-found faith would be to co-opt an existing holiday they’re already celebrating, like the pagan one on December 25th, which celebrated the birth of their Sun God.

Yup, Son of God…Sun God…Constantine was a clever little charlatan. After all, not only did his co-opted holiday usurp and ultimately outlast the original pagan one, but his favorite stories are now considered the word of God.

Today’s activist Christians (those who disobey the teachings of Jesus to openly judge their fellow man instead of leaving that solemn responsibility to God, as their Bible teaches) claim that non-Christians have somehow declared war on their Christmas holiday. Apparently those of us who don’t follow their faith have been accused of not following their faith. In a nutshell, we are treating December 25th like any other day, and that simply will not do for them.

This, of course, happens every year – at least every year since the Republican party cut a deal with the devil and decided to defy the Constitution by mixing church and state in an effort to win more votes. Christian fundamentalists have become one of the most powerful special interest groups in Washington, forcing countless conservative politicians and their right wing propaganda outlets to declare that there is a phantom war on the holiday they stole from the pagans.

The latest target of their wraith is Starbucks, a company that dared to introduce maroon holiday cups for the holidays. The cups, according to the American Inquisition, lack the apparently essential Christian symbolism. Forgetting the fact that these cups are designed to celebrate the entire holiday season, including Judaism’s Chanukah and Islam’s Mawlid, it seems these Christians want Starbucks to reissue new cups that honor only their beliefs – perhaps by prominently displaying either a baby Jesus being born in a dung-filled manger or the cross that was used to slowly kill the adult Jesus. You know, to better celebrate the season.

It’s strange, though, because most of these activist Christians are also conservative voters, and as such they generally oppose government interference in the business sector. Yet they have their politicians out in front of the news media interfering with the way a company does business – specifically how they design their coffee cups. And, similarly, you never see these Christians or their lap-dog politicos going after retailers who have big sales on the holidays. They claim to oppose the commercialization of Christmas, but not if it’s going to diminish their investment portfolio.

What would Jesus do? Happy Holidays, even to the hypocrites!