With this recent spate of female celebrities having nude photos stolen from their cell phones, I naturally became worried about the images I have on my phone. Of course, I am not a celebrity, nor a woman, and no one has shown any interest in images of male celebrities, let alone male bloggers, yet I am worried just the same. Even at my age. Though my friend told me all his nude selfies were Polaroids, so I guess age does have its advantages.
As a precautionary measure, I browsed the photos on my phone. I’ve accompanied this article with a random smattering of what I found: 5 pizza pies, 18 doughnuts, 29 beers, and 32 assorted images of other food items, none of which are even remotely healthy. Not one single selfie, though. The worst thing that could happen to me is being exposed as a decadent swine, which is fortunately a mater of considerable pride.
And why would I have a photo of myself – nude or otherwise – in the first place? Why do people take selfies? And why would you carry them around with you on your phone? To show people standing next to you what you look like? And what’s with female celebrities and the nude pics? Do they really need “sales material” to close the deal with a Hollywood hunk?
A Bunch of Hackholes
But all jokes aside, no one should have their phone hacked. I enjoy pictures of naked women as much as the next guy. Well, maybe a little more than the next guy. OK, a lot more. But I don’t want to see stuff that’s been taken without someone’s consent. That’s akin to tearing off someone’s clothes in public.
No one should have their privacy invaded like that. Especially celebrities, who already give so much of themselves to the public. And if you think it’s no big deal, imagine if those stolen and published photos were of your mother, your wife, your sister, or your daughter. Besides, these hackers are only making it harder for us regular guys to get our female friends to agree to a little risque photography. Once again, some short-sighted nerds have ruined it for the rest of us!
The Importance of Consent
All jokes aside (again, and this time I mean it!), consent is a sacred concept that cannot be ignored. I consider it a fundamental right of every human being. Yet when it comes to stealing a woman’s private photographs, or any other sort of content for that matter, it seems that a disturbingly large percentage of the penis-dangling population do not share this view.
Worse yet, far too many men ignore consent when it comes to a woman’s body as well. Sadly there has been a “rash” or rapes at Columbia University here in New York City. One such incident is intolerable, but what’s been going on there is unfathomable.
Faced with a similarly shameful epidemic of sexual assaults, California felt compelled to pass a law explaining exactly what “consent” means. Clearly guys couldn’t understand the meaning of “no means no” so they’ve opted to try “yes means yes.” In other words, a woman must specifically say: “yes, I agree to engage in consensual sexual relations with you.” That, folks, is consent.
Perhaps the Pentagon should take a similar stance. According to its latest statistics, US soldiers are 15 times more likely to be raped by fellow soldiers than they are of being killed in combat. Again, that’s the military’s own statistics, though I doubt you’ll see it mentioned on a recruiting poster. Worse yet, the Pentagon estimates that 85 percent of US military rapes go unreported.
The Meaning of Consent
California’s “yes means yes” campaign received some criticism, primarily from people who felt it was unnecessary. Sadly, it’s very necessary. Why is this distinction – the need for “yes” as opposed to the absence of “no” – so important? Because of pin-dicks like musician CeeLo Green, right there in California. Apparently he though that eliminating a woman’s ability to say “no” was a valid way to secure her consent to be sexually scraped by his blubber bags.
In 2012, Green slipped a woman Ecstasy during a dinner date, which caused her to blackout. She woke up in bed with him the next day, not remembering anything after their dinner – including the non-consensual sex that occurred.
Green attempted to defended his actions on social media, claiming that it couldn’t have been “rape” since she wasn’t conscious at the time. Can you believe that? We’re not talking about some college boy whose sexual understanding couldn’t even fill the reservoir tip of a condom. This is a grown man claiming that it’s perfectly OK to drug a woman and then take advantage of her while she’s impaired and unable to give consent. What the fuck?
Bizarrely, he wasn’t even tried for rape, but he was found guilty of possession (a felony). As an aside, the fact that he was only sentenced to probation and community services proves that it’s wealth – not necessarily race – that ultimately tips the scales of justice. Ask OJ.
After deleting his farcical argument from social media, claiming that it’s OK to have sex with a woman who is unconscious because she’d have to remember it for it to be rape, Green went on to praise God (naturally). And then he claimed that, despite pleading “no contest” to a felony, he had somehow been exonerated. What a fucktard!
Advice to My Fellow Penis-Danglers
I just don’t understand this sort of behavior, this kind of thinking. Guys, if you are interested in engaging in sexual relations with anyone – or anything – they must first give their consent. And by consent we mean: “yes, I would like to engage in sexual relations with you.” Accept no substitute!
In fact, I’m thinking about having cards printed up. On one side will be my name and phone number. On the other, it will say: “I agree to engage in sexual relations with you.” And below that it will have two boxes that can be checked – “Yes” and “No” – along with a place for her to sign her name, giving consent.
OK, maybe that’s not very romantic. But clearly there are a lot of guys who could use something like this, because they are too fucking stupid to handle it any other way. Plus, it does offer some degree of protection – a bit of a booty pre-nup – against that rare woman who might withdraw her consent after the fact. Sadly, that happens too.
But remember this, a woman who is unconscious cannot give her consent. A woman who is impaired by alcohol or any other kind of drug cannot give her consent either. A minor is too young to be able to give consent, so don’t even go there you degenerate bastards. And, unless your name is Doctor Fucking Doolittle, an animal cannot give consent either.
The only time it’s OK to engage in sexual relations without clear consent from the other party is when you are masturbating or fucking some type of plant. So if you can’t understand the concept of consent, including the notion that only yes means yes, then stick to your fist or the foliage.
And don’t steal people’s nude photos. That’s just a dickhead move.