Peace in the Middle East

POEBefore the tragedy in Ferguson became the story du jour, I found it sadly amusing to see conservative pundits clamoring to claim that if the Barack Obama hadn’t pulled our troops out of Iraq, we wouldn’t have to deal with these ISIS douche bags. Well, if George W. Bush hadn’t invaded Iraq – under false pretense, mind you – we wouldn’t be dealing with these ISIS douche bags either. Heck, if Bush’s flunkies hadn’t disbanded the Iraqi Army after that illegal invasion, we wouldn’t be dealing with these ISIS douche bags either. And let’s not forget the 4,500 American lives lost – along with the nearly 80,000 wounded or injured – thanks to both of those stupid decisions by the Bush administration.

More sad than amusing is the fact that these are the same fucktards who whine about government spending. According to Reuters, the Iraq fiasco cost U.S. taxpayers $2,190,000,000 (that’s $2.19 trillion) as of 2012, with an additional $6 trillion projected over the next 40 years to support the veterans sent to fight there. And, again, let’s not forget the horrific human cost I mentioned above. You’d think those conservative cranks would be grateful to Obama for stemming the bleeding – both fiscally and literally.

And as bad as it was, Saddam Hussein’s psychotic rule, and the size and power of his military, kept Islamic fundamentalists like ISIS out of Iraq. In fact, they also kept countries that foster such douche bags (yeah, I’m talking about you, Iran) relatively in check.

Of course, these right-wing pundits aren’t concerned with things like logic, reason, reality, etc. All they care about is attacking the opposition party, which happens to be in power. It’s attack and destroy politics, as opposed to consideration and compromise, and it’s tearing this country apart.

And speaking of attack and destroy, and tearing things apart, I have a ludicrous suggestion for peace in the Middle East. It’s not exactly practical, let alone moral. But it might set the kind of example that would make these radicals think twice about reaching for a weapon instead of an olive branch.

I’m turning 50 next year, and as far back as I can remember, my government – the United States – has been using my tax dollars to try and broker some sort of peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians. Our government has tried hard, investing countless hours, dollars, and other resources into solving this issue. Heck, the entire world has been bending over backwards trying to get these two sides to learn how to live together, to no avail. No fewer than 30 peace proposals have been negotiated between the Palestinians and Israelis in the past 65 years!

I know that neither side has always been acting in good faith. And the US doesn’t exactly have clean hands either. Not to mention the frightening fact that the Religious Right, who have the support of many Republican politicians (George W. Bush included), actually want to provoke a war in the Middle East because they believe it will hasten the end of the world and thereby accelerate their own personal trip to heaven – or some bullshit prophecy along those lines. And let’s face it, that’s about as ridiculous as blowing up a bus full of innocents to expedite your trip to heaven and a champagne party with 40 virgins. Lunacy!

So what to do? I’m at wit’s end. My government is at wit’s end. Arguably the world is as wit’s end. Perhaps this time we should all say, “Folks, you’re on your own now.” And then tell them they have 12 months to sort things out amongst themselves, or we – the world – will sort it out for ourselves. In other words, sort your shit, or someone else will sort it for you.

And if they fail to find their own peace after a year’s time? We’ll assemble a massive international fleet of military aircraft and surprise them all one night with a carpet-bombing campaign that begins at Israel’s southern border on the Sinai and destroys everything between the Jordan River and the sea – Gaza, Israel, and the West Bank – all the way up through Lebanon (like you bastards have been any better) and then fans out over all of Syria (because you motherfuckers are the real reason we’ve all got to deal with these ISIS douche bags) before pulling up just short of the Turkish border. We’ll level it all, with wave after wave of bunker busters followed by incendiaries. Scorched Earth 101.

LeMayHolePractical? No. Moral? No. Effective? Well, we’ve tried being diplomatic – for nearly 65 years – and things haven’t improved one bit. That’s a lot of time, energy, and money that could have been spent elsewhere, preferably (though, if we’re being honest, highly unlikely) bettering mankind. Plus, as I said earlier, it would send a message to other hot spots around the world that they better sort their shit out – quietly, and fast – because the rest of the world is tired of this bullshit. Where’s Gen. Curtis LeMay when ya need him?

Seriously, though. Peace in the Middle East? We deserve it. But – after all of this fighting, the countless deals that have fallen through, the decades of bickering and bloodshed, the hatred and horrific acts of violence – do they really deserve it?

OK, everyone deserves to live in peace. But my patience is wearing thin. With the Palestinians and the Israelis, as well as with the pundits and preachers. And while I loathe the likes of LeMay, even a punk like Putin would think twice about being such an international asshole if he knew we had a nutjob like LeMay roaming the halls of the Pentagon, pushing for ludicrous plans like the one I have proposed here.

Purity of essence, my friends. Purity of essence.