UnBieberable!

IdiotI read that some morality miser has gathered enough signatures on a petition to actually force President Obama to consider deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada. That’s about as ridiculous as Justin Beiber himself.

Apparently the White House has to respond to any petition that gathers more than 100,000 signatures, a figure which seems awfully low given that our nation has a population in excess of 317 million. But do you really think that the President of the United States of America has time to deal with this shit? Of all the problems that our nation, our species, our planet are facing right now, do you think this warrants even a moment of his time?

The petition claims that Bieber is “threatening the safety” of the American people. That is, of course, absurd. The most damage Bieber could possible do to the American public is kill a family of four while operating a motor vehicle under the influence, which is most certainly a horrendous crime, but it also one which we are almost all capable of committing. I don’t think he showed up for enough high school chemistry classes to construct a bowl of oatmeal…let alone a weapon of mass destruction.

The other reason cited by the petition is that Bieber is considered a bad influence on impressionable American teenagers. I assume that we’re talking about teenage girls, because if your son is a “Belieber” then you’ve pretty much failed as a parent (and maybe we should ship you off to Canada, to endure a life of free healthcare and a shortage of violent crime).

If Bieber’s “bad influence” is the real reason for the petition, then congratulations, you’ve just made this punk-ass performer an even bigger star in the eyes of your wholesome daughters. He’s now a political martyr to them (like Pussy Riot, but with more emphasis on the pussy), a dreamy pencil-dick who’s being bullied by the establishment simply because they don’t understand him. I’ve never stooped to the reckless level of self-loathing required to watch the film Footloose, but I imagine it might offer these petitioners a lesson or two. Congratulations…you’ve just become John Lithgow.

I admit that Bieber strikes me as a human douche. But can you really blame the kid? And he is a kid – a zit-faced 19 year-old. Do you remember when you were 19? Everybody is a bit of a dick at that age, because you think you know everything. And imagine that you had a platinum album when you were just 15, so now you are a 19 year-old with all the fame, money, and attention you could ever want – and you’ve had it longer than you’ve had hairs on your little weenie. You’d be just as much of an asshole as Bieber is – and, admittedly, that’s a lot of asshole.

What to do about Bieber? Only a teenager wouldn’t know the answer to that question, because the rest of us have seen this before – countless times. Debbie Gibson. Tiffany. Sisqo. Vanilla Ice. The boys from Hanson and Limp Bizkit. The Jonas brothers. The Dixie Chicks. They all, along with the media, acted like they were icons that would be in the limelight forever, but where are they now? Even perennial bad influences like Eminem, Marilyn Manson, and Ice T have faded from the headlines.

Where will Justin Bieber be five years from now? Like countless fluffertainers that have come before him, he will eventually wither from the spotlight, becoming nothing more than an obscure pop culture trivia question – just like Paris Hilton (remember her?). Bieber may be making headlines today, but he’ll end up a mere footnote in our fickle memories, a small drop in the vast, shallow puddle that is pop culture. Maybe he’ll be smart enough to repackage himself into a retro-cool cult figure like John Travolta did, but more likely he’ll become an increasingly irrelevant punching bag for the tabloids like Lindsey Lohan.

And will your teenage daughter even give a damn at that point? Of course not. She’ll be busy banging one of her professors at college, just to get back at you for signing that asinine petition.