Going Out With A Bang


Oh, if these vaginal walls could talk…the stories they’d tell!

For those of you who have never been to Amsterdam, you might consider the notion of an over-40 prostitute to be absurd – let alone a pair pushing 70. But if you have roamed the city’s Red Light District, you’ll know that it takes all kinds – different strokes for different folks. Have a thing for spherical Hispanic women? Yup, they’ve got an alley for that. While buxom Taylor Swift knockoffs likely fill the more prominent facades, there’s something for everyone in Amsterdam…if you look around for it.

Personally I’ve never partaken of a paid relationship. And it’s not that I oppose prostitution, at least not in theory. After all, I’ll pay a masseuse money to provide me pleasure through physical stimulation, and prostitution is fundamentally the same thing – except that with sex your muscles contract before they relax, and I imagine a bit of clean-up is usually involved as well.

Regardless of the rationale, or lack thereof, I never pay for play. Never have, and never will. If I’m going to engage in any sexual activity, I want it to be with someone who is equally excited about it, not someone who is only in it for the money. Besides, with the skills I bring to the table (or whatever the surface may be), if anyone should get paid it would be me.

Still, you’ve got to give the Fokkens credit. The sisters have been pleasing men in need for literally longer than I’ve been alive. Though I wouldn’t rush to romanticize it as a long-running labor of love. Between the two, they figure they’ve serviced around 355,000 customers over the years. And though it might seem strange that they’ve kept count, so has McDonald’s. They both have flipped a lot of burgers.

Assuming the twins have been equally active over the years, they’ve each porked around 175,000 men, which is an average of 3,500 a year, or almost 10 a day. Wow. I’ve often wondered what kind of traffic those ladies in the window receive, but that rate seems more like a burden than a pleasure. Money aside, slow days must be far better than busy ones.

I assume – hope – that the bulk of those clients came (if you’ll pardon the pun) in the first 10 years…or at least the first 20. Because imagine the kind of creepy guys who came their way after they reached 50? And though the twins acknowledge that they’ve been in semi-retirement for some time now, the last couple of thousand had to be pretty sketchy characters. Not that I’m one to judge another man’s taste, but these weren’t just guys who wanted to have sex with women in their 60s…these were guys who were willing to pay – either out of choice or necessity, and I’m not sure which option is more disturbing – to have sex with women in their 60s.

Fun Fact: People in their 60s are known as “sexagenarians.” Think about it.

So what’s it like to service 175,000 men? Think of it this way: the average human schlong is supposed to be around 5.5 inches (finally…something in which I’m above average!), which means they’ve each taken about 182 miles of man meat over the years. Collectively, that’s roughly the size of a pecker that stretches from New York City to Baltimore. Man, that’s a long drive.

Statistics aside, if anyone is going to have a few good stories to tell, it’s twins who’ve been turning tricks for trinkets in Amsterdam since before the Beatles made it big. You can buy the DVD of their documentary, which features mostly recent footage (see the trailer below). Or you can wait for the release of their book, The Ladies of Amsterdam. I just hope it’s not 355,000 pages long.